the flight....

It was early morning. The sun rays were still trying to break through the clouds and color the world bright. The earliest birds were just waking up, opening their eyes and wings to take in the warmth of the sunrays. It was one of those beautiful days just about to start.

She was still sleeping. It was comfortable, wrapped under the warm green blanket , with the cold stagnant air touching her occasionally. Finally she opened her eyes. Screwed against the early bright light. She stepped down from where she was sleeping. Stretched her body. The sky was just turning blue.

It was the start of a new day. And with this new day, there was a feeling of everything going right. The sun felt a little less harsh, the air a little more friendly, the birds a little more chirpy, the trees a little more green. It hadn’t felt that way since a long time. She smiled. Maybe finally things were changing for good. Life had been fair to her always. Or that was what she always thought. She chose to see the colors where none but the black and the white existed. She chose to smile at silly little things. She chose to live.

But today felt different. Today she felt she wouldn’t have to choose anything. Today she felt things will just fall in all the right places. Today was not going to be like any other day.

She walked in the early morning bliss. It felt heavenly to her. The grass still had the wet dew drops on them from the night before. The fight she had been having with herself for days finally seemed would get over today. That brought a spring to her steps. She closed her eyes and felt the chill. It was nerve tingling. She had never given much thought to how life would turn out to be. She was always much of a loner. A carefree, childlike soul that dint need many reasons to be happy. Today she had that same childlike silly smile on her lips. There was a glint of hope in her eyes. Maybe today it was finally going to happen. She felt the courage and the excitement bursting through her. In the midst there was a little nervousness too. But it seemed lost. Nothing could stop her today. After all it was her perfect day. With every step she took her past flashed before her more sharply. Colorful, blinding images of her life. She looked towards the sky. That was where she belonged. The ground was a refuge. Just that. Her destination was coming closer. The air was just turning out a bit stronger. It hit her face a bit harder. But that just boosted her strength. The time was now.

Finally she had reached her destination. It was bright, sunny, warm and comfortable. There was ground way below and sky way above. The cliff was like a hanging teardrop. Beautiful, glistening and fragile. She stood there, confident and happy. the moment had come. And then she jumped.

The air hit her hard. But all she could feel was the essence of flying. She flapped her wings. One beautiful, colorful and strong, the other one broken. She felt the pain shoot through her body but she dint care, she was flying. She was a bird again. She felt more alive than she had ever done. Her wings dint cut through the air like they used to but still she was flying. With each passing second she felt the ground coming closer. But she dint feel sad her broken wing couldn’t lift her up, she was happy she could fly one last time.

When she hit the ground, her body crashed, but it dint matter. She lay there, with a broken wing and a childlike smile on her face.

It was her leap of faith.

CONFINED spaces

I know the first thing that comes into the mind after hearing confined spaces is chetan bhagat’s one night @ the call centre and the scene there after. But the confined space over here is a tad bit different. It’s the confined space of a train berth. So you see, having sex on the train berth would be highly uncomfortable and dangerous, unless you are an yoga expert or you wanna be stuck in a weird pose for the rest of your life.not to mention the high public viewership. But then innovative ideas are always welcome. After all you never know.

so coming back to the confined space of a train berth. Well I have never really hated trains, unlike most other people. Actually I kinda love it. I love the berths too. Especially the upper berths. More especially the side upper berths. Travelling in trains, they feel like heaven, more so if you have a plug point you can plug your lappy into. But then sometimes situations can be very challenging. Even for a train lover like me. First take for instance sleeping on the train berth. Few hours its okay. If you are really sleepy, more than few hours also okay. But if not then it can be very irritating. Especially when you can’t even sit straight on your berth. Sometimes I will get up at night without realizing where I am and WHAM, my head would strike the ceiling. That hurts. A lot.  And then if you have the habit of really spreading out while sleeping, then big problem. With my experience of travelling in the train (which is a lot), I have tried out all possible positions of sleeping and concluded that the best position to sleep is straight, face up or down. The fetal position works too, it’s the second best. The second problem is when you are tall. Your feet are left hanging outside so that every person going down the aisle touches your feet with his/her head. Unless you really like to give out blessings in that way, it can be very uncomfortable. But that’s all manageable problems. Certainly not enough to lessen my love for the train.

But then there are other issues too with confined spaces of the train. People. Big issue. So you slept for the better half of your journey on your blessed top berth but how long can a person sleep? So eventually you come down. Maybe just to stretch you back. You plop down, sit on the berth, pop in your earphones and start waiting for the lovely journey to end. But wait, that’s too soon. Ofcourse the aunty sitting in front has to talk to you. Even though you are listening to music so loud that, you cant even hear yourself speaking. So being the nice person that you are, you take out your earphones and answer her curious queries. Smile, answer, smile, answer, smile some more. This goes on for a while, until she realizes you are a lost cause for gossiping. She gives up. You give yourself a HIGH high five inside your head and pop in your headphones again. So its actually been over 20 hours inside the confined space and right now our love for the train is actually waning.

And then the eternal trip to the bathroom. Inevitable and unquestionable. You see bathrooms in trains are well bathrooms in trains.People here work on some unanimous thought process that unless a bathroom stinks how the hell would one know that there’s a bathroom around? So trip to the stinky bathroom. Before you go inside it, you take a deep breath, hold it, get inside, do things as if you life depends on it (i:e in 30 secs flat) and then come outside and breathe out. PHEW!!!! Mission accomplished. Back to the confined space now. For time being.

So now finally your journey is coming to an end. You are more than ready to leave the confined space (bursting to get out actually). But yet, when you walk away from the train, you kinda feel connected to it. Not deep but still a connection. Yes you dint sleep like the seal that you always do. Yes you ate some the worst cooked food inside of it. Yes your legs feel cramped. Yes you look like mess. But still you cant help but feel a bit nostalgic. There is nothing like travelling in a train in India. And if your train is running late, like mine always does, well then God help you!

use of confined spaces!!!

Conversations

Yes conversations. Rather daily affair for everyone of us. a way of life, some would say. Their sole life, there are some who would say that too. Conversations makes us what we are. Human. though most of the time most of the conversations are rather inhuman. But what-so-ever.

but why am I writing a blog about conversations? Trust me i got no idea. This was a rather spontaneous thing. Coz I am no expert when it comes to conversations. in fact I belong to one of those people who practice having a conversation with a person before actually having it and then have the awesome talent of still totally goofing it up out there (though i have  almost outgrown it, trust me, at least I like to believe I have).

So back to conversations. There are many types of conversations. The confrontational conversation. The awkward conversation( the types you have with your parents after they catch you watching porn!), the Oh-did-you-know conversation. the "hi there, how are you?" conversation. (Its more like "hey dude. wassup" now-a -days, but you get the idea!), the i-am-so-sorry-BUT conversation. the i-am-so-sorry *sob sob* conversations. the ultimate 'we need to talk' conversation. The conversation that you have just for the sake of having conversation. the we-got-a-problem conversation. The honey-I-love-you-so-much conversation. and finally the imaginary conversation. The conversation that takes place between two people but the only problem is both of them is actually you. So this is the type of conversation i am going to write about basically.

These imaginary conversations are at the least ridiculous, weird, mind boggling and well imaginary.

i end up spending most of my alone but don’t really want to be alone time having these conversations, where on one side am I and on the other some other person, impersonated by me of course. yeah I know that’s crazy. but don’t all of us have imaginary conversations where the person in front of you (being impersonated by you) says all those things that you want him/her to say. so I m having these conversations while I am walking alone, which means I attract more than just jerk looks (surprise!! Yeah even girls like me get those jerk looks). I am usually always mumbling. Answering questions I am asking to the person being impersonated by me. Laughing at jokes being made by the person impersonated by me. Giving an angry retort to one of the impersonated one's weird comment. Yeah I do that. I even act the part. I smile. I look angry. I even laugh. Yeah I am more than half the crazy people think me to be. but these conversations, ah they are good. They calm me down when I am really angry (usually at the person being impersonated by me). They help me deal with depression (conversations that you emerge out of, victorious, can be amazingly mood uplifting). I can have a nice heart to heart conversation with the person I want to and not be tensed about hurting anyone's feelings or saying something wrong. Coz I can always be assured the person being impersonated by me has not heard anything wrong when i actually did say something wrong. i can actually take back my words in this conversation. How awesome is that?

These conversations have their drawbacks too though, sadly. Sometimes they can be so engrossing and interesting that you actually forget what you are doing currently. Which is why I get up at the middle of the night (jolt upright more like it) and wonder if I have closed the balcony door or not. Which is why I cant remember if I have put salt in the dish I am cooking or not. Which is why I end up searching for the pen I was just holding for half an hour coz I cant remember where the hell did I put it. Some might say these are just early signs of Alzheimer but trust me its actually coz all the time i am having a imaginary conversation going on inside my head. I don’t try to stop having these conversations though. They are fun. At least more fun than actually having the real conversations sometimes. So, what the heck?

Ohkay I think I should give this crazy meandering post a rest right here. And guys I am sure you can make drinking game out of the number of times I have used the word "impersonated" (and its variations). Totally HIMYM way!!!! Maybe I should change that to the number of times I have used "conversations" actually!!! cheerios!!!

Rains

Green all around.And a little bit of brown here and there.And lots of water.Everywhere.Sparkling and beautiful.The pleasant earthy smell,stirring up feelings and memories.Yes the rains are here.Big time.
As far as i can remember i have always loved the rains.Even when they ruined my plans and my dresses.Even when i got drenched  in it on the wretched day i was wearing that white shirt,i have loved them.I dont remember the first time i ran into the showers but i have lost count of how many times i have done that.
Nothing could ever stop me from doing it.Not mom(though she tried real hard),not my friends(the one who ran into the nearest shelter at the slightest hint of rains) and finally not even my crisp white shirt.
The rains  inspire me and make me happy,they feel like little droplets of blessings and laughter that God is showering on us.
The rains depress me and make me cry too,they make memories too fresh and make me feel lonely.
I have innumerable memories of rain.
Be it the time when i went directly to our apartment's terrace from school and got myself soaked to bones,coz i was afraid to face Dad after my bad results.
Be it the time i tried to catch the falling rain drops on my face by leaning on my balcony railings.
Be it the time i stood inside my room with my nose glued to the window pane (like a three year old),looking at the crashing strings of rain,wishing i was outside.
Be it the time me and friends ran to the terrace and danced in the first showers at midnight.
Be it the time i stood alone in the rains,hugging myself trying not to feel the tears that ran down my cheeks with the raindrops.
Be it the time i sat inside my room,wrapped in a bed sheet with a coffee mug in hand,listening to the sounds of rain outside and wishing i had someone to cuddle up to.
Be it the time i walked alone in the rain on the street, totally careless and psycho like, while everyone else was running hither and tither for shelter.
Be it the time i lay down on the roof, with the rain hitting me on the face and dreamed about all the insensible things.
Be it the time i was enjoying the rain and a car went by and splashed me all over and i yelled,"bloody weirdo" at it and it turned out he was my chemistry teacher.

So many memories.And every year new ones keep getting added to it.And the list goes on.When people curse the rain,I smile inside and say to it,"Dont mind, they dont see how much fun you are".I keep enjoying them.It brings out the child in me.And it brings out the woman in me.Its a friend,a compatriot.The Rains...........

Wants.......

Wants.Everyone has them.Some we openly accept,some we secretly cherish.But we do have them.From wanting a lollipop when we were 5 years old to wanting that new cell phone when we were 15 years.Throughout our life we have always wanted something.From silly things like wanting to wear that outrageously sexy and revealing outfit to wanting to eat chocolate ice cream at midnight to serious things like wanting to get into that top college or wanting to win that championship,every moment,every second of our life we have been consumed by our wants.

Not all our wants are fulfilled.Not all are supposed to be.But i want to let go of everything and say aloud what I want before I forget I ever wanted them.
i want to get drunk alone.
i want to get drunk alone in a beach at night.
i want to laugh out loud in a public place without turning heads.
i want a giant sized bathroom.
i want a hair straightner.
i want to eat without thinking about a paunch.
i want to smoke and not raise eyebrows.
i want to play the guitar someday.
i want to kiss Hugh Jackman.
i want to close my eyes and go to sleep peacefully.
i want to wake up to someone always.
i want to just hold someone's hand and stop worrying about anything.
i want to learn to cook chicken.
i want to dance in the rain.

i want to own a pair of victoria's secret.
i want to cuddle next to someone.
i want a swimming pool in my bedroom.
i want to be loved.
i want to be understood.
i want to go to the corner and ball myself up and cry till i am sore.
i want to be happy.
i want to be trusted.
i want to make the perfect omlette.
i want to keep my white shirt spotless.
i want to understand football.
i want................
Silly things.Obvious things.Crazy things.

This has been one of the silliest posts i have ever written.But i had to get something off my chest and this is what i came up with.I still wonder if I am sure of what i really want.Guess I will never know.Till then will keep on wanting..........

A Love letter

To you,

Ever since you have come into my life, the meaning of my life has changed. You are now like the sunshine for me. The first rays of the warm bright sun on my face, tingling me awake from the deep slumber I was in. You are like the fresh swirl of air, the sweet smelling wind after the rains, that makes me close my eyes and thank god for giving me this life. You are like the cool and charming droplets of water like the drizzles that falls on my body and makes me feel like I was reborn. Your words touch me like the virgin buds of orchids, soft and caring and yet awaking the deepest emotions inside me. Your smile is like bright flash of light, blinding me every time.

You are like the watch, ever ticking and ever making me look forward to you. You are like the freshly brewed coffee, seductive and sensuous, filling me with the concoctions of your wonderful smell. You are like my personal painkiller, my personal tension reliever, your touch does wonders to me, it makes me feel the most wonderful person in the whole wide world. Your eyes make me go wild. Your stares make me want to hold your face between my hands and look into your eyes forever and ever. The single train of your touch that goes from my shoulders tracing till your hands find my wrists and wrap themselves around my hands is like the fire to the icy feelings inside my body. The bashful smile that you give when I catch you staring at me makes my heart stop and start again. The way you holds my hands, intertwining your fingers with mine and enjoy the silence with me, makes me feel a peace that had eluded me for ages. The way your lips fold themselves around mine, hard and soft, rough and careful, makes me feel my body belongs to you in more ways than it belongs to me. You are like Sunday afternoon for me, always easy going and relaxing. I feel safe the moment I am in your arms. You are like the shot of tequila, which burns my throat and makes me feel warm from inside.

You are the reason the winters seem like spring to me. I look for you in every song. I look for you in every happiness of mine. I want to turn to you in the cold nights and I want to turn to you in the hot days. I want to kiss you goodnight every night and I want to wake up to my personal sun every morning. I want to shed every tear on your shoulders and be with you through everything. I want the classic cliché in my life; I want to grow old with you. I just want to love you. Selflessly, childishly, without expectations, without limitations. I want to a witness to your life. A silent one maybe, I don’t care. I love you and nothing else matters.

From me.



This is not for m boyfriend (coz I don’t have one). This is not for any guy. This is just a love letter. Could be from any guy to any girl. Could be from any girl to any guy. A little inspiration from a friend and total absence of hesitation on my part made this happen. I don’t know why I have posted this. But I like it weird ways. After all love does make the world go round!!!!

sweet sentiments

I yawn and get up from my bed and walk to the the next room (still yawning).but before i reach the next room,BANG my head slams right into the wall i thought was the door while still half asleep......OUCH!!!my eyes spring open and finally this time i wake up for real.DAMN!

As I drag my legs into the room (all the while rubbing my head),i realize something is not right.There is an eerie silence in the room.all the lights are on.there is no music coming from the laptop.but what really makes my eyes pop out and leaves my brain gasping for oxygen (i don't know if something like this is possible,but it felt like that then) is that occupants of both the beds have their eye glued to the books in front of them and are studying!i gulp,do a double take and looke at the watch........6 30  in the morning.was something wrong?did they eat something weird in dinner?no that's not possible,we ate together.so what happened really?

As i stand there taking in the scene,Swayam looks up from her book at me.Her eyes have the look that say  "Yes,how may i help you?".I say nothing,just move in and sit on the edge of her bed,but inside my head i am  shrieking,WHAT THE FUCK?While i sit there thinking if this is real or did i hit my head that bad,Monu(aka Monisha) says something to me that i miss completely.Huh?My reaction to her question.She rolls her eyes and asks me again ,"tera sab ho gaya kya?"I dint understand what she was asking at first,but as the words sink in and as I look around again, I realize what exactly is wrong.EXAMS.And then all life goes out of body!

"HOLY SHIT",I shriek (i doubt there might have been few people who did not hear me in the 10km radius).Where did the whole night go?What was i supposed to do now?I have a paper in exactly 3 hours and I have not studied one bit (okay maybe i have studied just ONE bit).Whatever happened to the alarm I had set?(At that exact moment I felt like breaking my cell into one million beautiful pieces).The room was swirling around me.How could I sleep through the night?As my senses come back to me,i realize the population in the room has increased from three earlier to five now.Gayatri and Meenakshi have joined us and all four of them were looking at me with careful and guarded expressions.I know they were waiting for me to explode ( that would have been a very "me" reaction) but all i do is just gulp to wet my dry throat and ask in a voice that dint sound like it belonged to me,"What do i do now?"

 Rewinding back,to the evening before,everything had been the usual.I had acoustics the next day and I had not started studying yet.Normal and usual!I had spent the whole evening chatting with my friends mentioned earlier.I don't know what the catalyst is but the night before the exam seems to be the most wonderful night to discuss every non-significant and significant detail in every one's life.We had all huddled on two beds and were chatting.None of us was least bothered that there was something called the exam the next day(though we all did have a pile of notes in our hands).God!I love my hostel life.I had great room mates (great sense of humor,great personalities,great looks and great asses too!),I had one corner completely to myself (something not everyone in hostel can boast of!),there were no bitches around (helped coz i dint have to use my precious nails then)........and to top it all of i had a balcony attached to my room!but coming back to the reason I best loved my hostel life was...my roomies.I got some kick ass ones.Guys you made my life rocking!This is an ode to you.To swayam,who was always there to make me laugh with her antics and offer a shoulder to cry,to monisha for her unbiased love and undeserving affection,to gayatri,for her never ending patience for my freaky doings,to meenakshi,for bearing with my ever ready leg pulling!Guys thanks,u made my life rocking!!

Coming back to the exam the next day.I did not screw it up.Actually taking into account the circumstances,it went pretty well.The 2 hours cramming in the morning did help.So as I come out of the exam hall laughing with my friends,I look at each of them and think about my life without them and realize there is lot worse shit that can happen than the alarm not going off the before exam night and I would not mind facing them as long as i have the silver lining of my friends!!!

something special

Its been a while since I last closed my eyes to think and wrote a post for my blog.Every time I sat down to make my thoughts flow through my fingers and through the keyboard and finally then to the laptop screen I came up with a blank.Actually I was waiting for something special to happen.Special enough for me to make a blog entry of it (I don't know when I fit this weird 'special' theory into the pig head of mine!).What I dint realize was that a lot of special things were actually happening.But at that time what I think I realized was that they were not special enough (two words: pig head).I had forgotten how special small simple things can be.While i was waiting for THE special things to happen,I had closed my eyes to the special things actually happening around me.

I had stopped noticing how special my simple life was.I had stopped noticing how special my mom's smile was.I had stopped noticing how special my sweet little sis was.I had stopped noticing how special each and every person around me were.
Now as I stop and look back,I wonder when did that happen???When did all these things start appearing normal to me?When did i start taking them for granted??When???When actually did i become such a pig head?

How could I not notice how special my friend looked in her simple white dress as she went on her first date?How could I not feel how special the moment was when all my friends and me tried cigarette for the first time and coughed till there were tears in our eyes(improper maybe,but how come not special)?How could I not feel how special the moment was when my best friend gave me a tight hug?How could I not feel how special the moment was when my room mate made coffee for me in the dead of the night before exams so that I don't feel sleepy?How did I not feel how special the moment was when we all made half cooked maggie at 4 in the morning coz we were dying of hunger?

Were these not special because I dint feel so or were these not special because they were so simple?Have simple things stopped being special?Yesterday one of my friends was jumping on the bed (thankfully not mine!)with absolute glee coz her boyfriend had given her a teddy the size of a gorilla and I could say that it was a special moment for her.Today I saw a couple eating ice cream candies by the roadside,but I cant say if the moment was special for them.How can any moment cease to become special when you are with the one you love?So what actually qualifies something to be 'special'?I suppose this question will bring out different answers from different persons.But today I want to cherish all the moments in my life that I think were real 'special'.

I want to cherish the life talks we need to have every night just before the exams.I want to cherish the heart to heart talks I have with my sister about the grave problems that are there in a 10 year old's life.I want to cherish the 'boyfriend' analysis sessions we have.I want to cherish the cooking afternoons I have with my mom.I want to cherish the roadside 'puchka' eating outings.I want to cherish the mad dancing fits me and my friends have.I want to cherish all the simple special moments I (my pig head,actually) ignored earlier.

To conclude I want to cherish the time when a simple red rose blooming in the midst of the greens appeared to me as the most special thing in the whole wide world...........