Thoughts...............

I think therefore I am. I smile because I want to be happy but I cry because I am sad. Sometimes I try to smile through my tears. It’s hard because I fail...........every time. Sometimes when things don’t go my way (which is almost always) I imagine. I make scenarios and live in them. It feels good. In them, I smile because I AM happy and I cry because I know someone will wipe my tears away. I love thinking. I love living in the world I have made. They are good, lively............. but they go away. They disappear, everything disappears, the smile, the tears, the hopes, the thoughts...........and leave me alone with myself.

And then suddenly I see her. She is alone too. Very alone, but there are people all around her. But when she looks around there is no one. I walk towards her. She walks away. I can’t see her, yet I know she is smiling, but her eyes defy her smile. I just know it, even if I can’t see her eyes. I recognize her yet she is a complete stranger. She walks and even that is painful. She looks very strong and yet in her every step there’s a weakness. She stretches her hands but no one holds them to give her warmth. She tries to cry but no tears come out. She sits down, a loser, tired. Defeated at the hands of life. She looks back and realizes there is no back. She looks in front of her, her eyes are searching..........but finds nothing. Trapped. She feels trapped. Trapped in herself. It is suffocating. She can’t breathe. She takes in the air but feels nothing. She cries out but even she can’t hear herself. She looks up towards the heaven and seeks answers to the questions even she doesn’t know. It’s painful to watch her. I move towards her. I try to touch her, pacify her. Give her courage. I move closer but suddenly I am scared. Afraid. But of what? Of her? I wonder but I fail.............yet again. I walk slowly towards her. And then she turned...................

And I realize I was looking at the mirror. The world spins around me. She starts running, no I start running. I try to stop her, try to stop myself but I fail....................I run, keep running .Away. Away from myself. And then I fall down, tired, beaten, scarred and the mirror scatters. I am alone again..............alone and afraid. Afraid to hear what my heart is saying. Afraid to accept the truth. Afraid to be weak .Afraid to be alone..................

The hopes, the dreams, the thoughts are gone,
I stand alone.
The feelings are dead, my world is lost
I live alone.
Afraid to smile, afraid to trust,
I cry alone.
I go on living without a life,
With my thoughts alone...........

This feels like reading the thoughts of some psycho (mental more likely) person……………I tried to put humor into this but somehow it looked like making Brad Pitt wear poodle skirt (whoa!!! what comparison really).This was not a dream because I was not sleeping.

Sometimes things are better left unsaid, untouched, unseen and unanswered. Sometimes the mysteries are more interesting than the explanations. This was just one of those “sometimes”.

Sometimes being alone is peaceful. Sometimes your heart answers the questions that even you don’t dare ask yourself. But this time it just was not one of those “sometimes”……………..

Untitled...........

I want to start this without a title coz I don’t know what to title it. I am a bit undecided about lots of things right now. Anyway, though it’s better to start things off a good note but I believe all is well that ends well.......... (though when things don’t end well I tend not to believe this too………:d) so to damn with the beginning.

But still, first things first, to start with I am a girl (Ha! Ha! I am mentioning this because now-a-days you never know....:d), I love sports, all types except for soccer and rugby and maybe baseball too (and it has got nothing to do with the size of the ball, honestly).I paint, I mean kind of. I love reading novels and listening to music and I am very tomboyish (there you go..........)

Till recently I believed in myself, was confident, dreamt of ruling the world and thought there aren’t much things around that are not possible. But that was years back (the way my life is moving, everything recent seems to have happened years ago). Hell! It sounds worse than I meant it to be but in some ways it maybe is. I am not saying I have become a wimp but I am somehow evading myself. I am barely eighteen and I am already feeling like my life is passing before me, which I suppose isn’t a good sign unless one is drunk. I have a long list of wishes which I want to fulfill (who doesn’t?).I want to go bungee jumping, scuba diving (I will have to learn to swim first). I want to pierce my ears to a degree of three (ouch!!! I know) and someday I would like to go into the space........ (Someone just book me a ticket......:d).I also want to learn martial arts, guns included(Ahem! Ahem!). But right NOW all I feel like doing is SCREAAAAAAMing out loud. Really really loud, but I somehow restrain myself. I don’t want to test the patience of my parents more than I can help and I don’t also want them to think I have acquired much more traits of animals than I should have (dear me!!! no actually dear them!!!).And one has to be careful when one stays in a city more famous for its mental institution than anything else. (though Dhoni is giving its status a tough competition, no offence)

Till recently (I somehow keep coming back to this phrase) I had lots of people by my side. I was going steady with an awesome guy. I had lots of friends. Nice ones all. But I broke up with my boyfriend recently, actually it was he who broke up (guess it was all because of those animal traits).That wouldn’t have been a problem if I still dint love him. My best friend,well she is miles and miles away and all my other nice friends, ummm its time to part ways now, to try our luck in the big bad world outside (I meant colleges).So I am feeling lonely. Terribly. And then there are so many doubts in my head. What if I don’t make it into some very good college? What if I let down my parents? What if I let down myself? What if I try my best and it turns out my best is just not enough? I don’t want to become the Salieri of studies. It scares me. And I have no where to go, no one to fall back on, no one who I can say will stay with me against the world. But I still dare to dream (what a thing to dare really). My heart says everything will be just OK!! But my heart....

“A heart once broken is a heart no more and is excused from all that a heart must be”

I wouldn’t go deeply into this. Right now my head has shut down and my heart refuses to mend. So basically I am not functioning properly and I suppose I can’t even complain to my manufacturer coz according to him my guarantee expired when I turned 18 (Yeah sometimes even God becomes so skeptical).
It’s like being a living dead and I can’t say it’s any fun (no, honestly not, other than the fact that I really look like the part).It all seems a charade and as they say I am in the amen corner.

I wish this is just the middle of things happening to me coz I really do want to believe all is well that ends well and maybe for once I am looking for the end..................