Wants.......

Wants.Everyone has them.Some we openly accept,some we secretly cherish.But we do have them.From wanting a lollipop when we were 5 years old to wanting that new cell phone when we were 15 years.Throughout our life we have always wanted something.From silly things like wanting to wear that outrageously sexy and revealing outfit to wanting to eat chocolate ice cream at midnight to serious things like wanting to get into that top college or wanting to win that championship,every moment,every second of our life we have been consumed by our wants.

Not all our wants are fulfilled.Not all are supposed to be.But i want to let go of everything and say aloud what I want before I forget I ever wanted them.
i want to get drunk alone.
i want to get drunk alone in a beach at night.
i want to laugh out loud in a public place without turning heads.
i want a giant sized bathroom.
i want a hair straightner.
i want to eat without thinking about a paunch.
i want to smoke and not raise eyebrows.
i want to play the guitar someday.
i want to kiss Hugh Jackman.
i want to close my eyes and go to sleep peacefully.
i want to wake up to someone always.
i want to just hold someone's hand and stop worrying about anything.
i want to learn to cook chicken.
i want to dance in the rain.

i want to own a pair of victoria's secret.
i want to cuddle next to someone.
i want a swimming pool in my bedroom.
i want to be loved.
i want to be understood.
i want to go to the corner and ball myself up and cry till i am sore.
i want to be happy.
i want to be trusted.
i want to make the perfect omlette.
i want to keep my white shirt spotless.
i want to understand football.
i want................
Silly things.Obvious things.Crazy things.

This has been one of the silliest posts i have ever written.But i had to get something off my chest and this is what i came up with.I still wonder if I am sure of what i really want.Guess I will never know.Till then will keep on wanting..........

A Love letter

To you,

Ever since you have come into my life, the meaning of my life has changed. You are now like the sunshine for me. The first rays of the warm bright sun on my face, tingling me awake from the deep slumber I was in. You are like the fresh swirl of air, the sweet smelling wind after the rains, that makes me close my eyes and thank god for giving me this life. You are like the cool and charming droplets of water like the drizzles that falls on my body and makes me feel like I was reborn. Your words touch me like the virgin buds of orchids, soft and caring and yet awaking the deepest emotions inside me. Your smile is like bright flash of light, blinding me every time.

You are like the watch, ever ticking and ever making me look forward to you. You are like the freshly brewed coffee, seductive and sensuous, filling me with the concoctions of your wonderful smell. You are like my personal painkiller, my personal tension reliever, your touch does wonders to me, it makes me feel the most wonderful person in the whole wide world. Your eyes make me go wild. Your stares make me want to hold your face between my hands and look into your eyes forever and ever. The single train of your touch that goes from my shoulders tracing till your hands find my wrists and wrap themselves around my hands is like the fire to the icy feelings inside my body. The bashful smile that you give when I catch you staring at me makes my heart stop and start again. The way you holds my hands, intertwining your fingers with mine and enjoy the silence with me, makes me feel a peace that had eluded me for ages. The way your lips fold themselves around mine, hard and soft, rough and careful, makes me feel my body belongs to you in more ways than it belongs to me. You are like Sunday afternoon for me, always easy going and relaxing. I feel safe the moment I am in your arms. You are like the shot of tequila, which burns my throat and makes me feel warm from inside.

You are the reason the winters seem like spring to me. I look for you in every song. I look for you in every happiness of mine. I want to turn to you in the cold nights and I want to turn to you in the hot days. I want to kiss you goodnight every night and I want to wake up to my personal sun every morning. I want to shed every tear on your shoulders and be with you through everything. I want the classic cliché in my life; I want to grow old with you. I just want to love you. Selflessly, childishly, without expectations, without limitations. I want to a witness to your life. A silent one maybe, I don’t care. I love you and nothing else matters.

From me.



This is not for m boyfriend (coz I don’t have one). This is not for any guy. This is just a love letter. Could be from any guy to any girl. Could be from any girl to any guy. A little inspiration from a friend and total absence of hesitation on my part made this happen. I don’t know why I have posted this. But I like it weird ways. After all love does make the world go round!!!!

sweet sentiments

I yawn and get up from my bed and walk to the the next room (still yawning).but before i reach the next room,BANG my head slams right into the wall i thought was the door while still half asleep......OUCH!!!my eyes spring open and finally this time i wake up for real.DAMN!

As I drag my legs into the room (all the while rubbing my head),i realize something is not right.There is an eerie silence in the room.all the lights are on.there is no music coming from the laptop.but what really makes my eyes pop out and leaves my brain gasping for oxygen (i don't know if something like this is possible,but it felt like that then) is that occupants of both the beds have their eye glued to the books in front of them and are studying!i gulp,do a double take and looke at the watch........6 30  in the morning.was something wrong?did they eat something weird in dinner?no that's not possible,we ate together.so what happened really?

As i stand there taking in the scene,Swayam looks up from her book at me.Her eyes have the look that say  "Yes,how may i help you?".I say nothing,just move in and sit on the edge of her bed,but inside my head i am  shrieking,WHAT THE FUCK?While i sit there thinking if this is real or did i hit my head that bad,Monu(aka Monisha) says something to me that i miss completely.Huh?My reaction to her question.She rolls her eyes and asks me again ,"tera sab ho gaya kya?"I dint understand what she was asking at first,but as the words sink in and as I look around again, I realize what exactly is wrong.EXAMS.And then all life goes out of body!

"HOLY SHIT",I shriek (i doubt there might have been few people who did not hear me in the 10km radius).Where did the whole night go?What was i supposed to do now?I have a paper in exactly 3 hours and I have not studied one bit (okay maybe i have studied just ONE bit).Whatever happened to the alarm I had set?(At that exact moment I felt like breaking my cell into one million beautiful pieces).The room was swirling around me.How could I sleep through the night?As my senses come back to me,i realize the population in the room has increased from three earlier to five now.Gayatri and Meenakshi have joined us and all four of them were looking at me with careful and guarded expressions.I know they were waiting for me to explode ( that would have been a very "me" reaction) but all i do is just gulp to wet my dry throat and ask in a voice that dint sound like it belonged to me,"What do i do now?"

 Rewinding back,to the evening before,everything had been the usual.I had acoustics the next day and I had not started studying yet.Normal and usual!I had spent the whole evening chatting with my friends mentioned earlier.I don't know what the catalyst is but the night before the exam seems to be the most wonderful night to discuss every non-significant and significant detail in every one's life.We had all huddled on two beds and were chatting.None of us was least bothered that there was something called the exam the next day(though we all did have a pile of notes in our hands).God!I love my hostel life.I had great room mates (great sense of humor,great personalities,great looks and great asses too!),I had one corner completely to myself (something not everyone in hostel can boast of!),there were no bitches around (helped coz i dint have to use my precious nails then)........and to top it all of i had a balcony attached to my room!but coming back to the reason I best loved my hostel life was...my roomies.I got some kick ass ones.Guys you made my life rocking!This is an ode to you.To swayam,who was always there to make me laugh with her antics and offer a shoulder to cry,to monisha for her unbiased love and undeserving affection,to gayatri,for her never ending patience for my freaky doings,to meenakshi,for bearing with my ever ready leg pulling!Guys thanks,u made my life rocking!!

Coming back to the exam the next day.I did not screw it up.Actually taking into account the circumstances,it went pretty well.The 2 hours cramming in the morning did help.So as I come out of the exam hall laughing with my friends,I look at each of them and think about my life without them and realize there is lot worse shit that can happen than the alarm not going off the before exam night and I would not mind facing them as long as i have the silver lining of my friends!!!

something special

Its been a while since I last closed my eyes to think and wrote a post for my blog.Every time I sat down to make my thoughts flow through my fingers and through the keyboard and finally then to the laptop screen I came up with a blank.Actually I was waiting for something special to happen.Special enough for me to make a blog entry of it (I don't know when I fit this weird 'special' theory into the pig head of mine!).What I dint realize was that a lot of special things were actually happening.But at that time what I think I realized was that they were not special enough (two words: pig head).I had forgotten how special small simple things can be.While i was waiting for THE special things to happen,I had closed my eyes to the special things actually happening around me.

I had stopped noticing how special my simple life was.I had stopped noticing how special my mom's smile was.I had stopped noticing how special my sweet little sis was.I had stopped noticing how special each and every person around me were.
Now as I stop and look back,I wonder when did that happen???When did all these things start appearing normal to me?When did i start taking them for granted??When???When actually did i become such a pig head?

How could I not notice how special my friend looked in her simple white dress as she went on her first date?How could I not feel how special the moment was when all my friends and me tried cigarette for the first time and coughed till there were tears in our eyes(improper maybe,but how come not special)?How could I not feel how special the moment was when my best friend gave me a tight hug?How could I not feel how special the moment was when my room mate made coffee for me in the dead of the night before exams so that I don't feel sleepy?How did I not feel how special the moment was when we all made half cooked maggie at 4 in the morning coz we were dying of hunger?

Were these not special because I dint feel so or were these not special because they were so simple?Have simple things stopped being special?Yesterday one of my friends was jumping on the bed (thankfully not mine!)with absolute glee coz her boyfriend had given her a teddy the size of a gorilla and I could say that it was a special moment for her.Today I saw a couple eating ice cream candies by the roadside,but I cant say if the moment was special for them.How can any moment cease to become special when you are with the one you love?So what actually qualifies something to be 'special'?I suppose this question will bring out different answers from different persons.But today I want to cherish all the moments in my life that I think were real 'special'.

I want to cherish the life talks we need to have every night just before the exams.I want to cherish the heart to heart talks I have with my sister about the grave problems that are there in a 10 year old's life.I want to cherish the 'boyfriend' analysis sessions we have.I want to cherish the cooking afternoons I have with my mom.I want to cherish the roadside 'puchka' eating outings.I want to cherish the mad dancing fits me and my friends have.I want to cherish all the simple special moments I (my pig head,actually) ignored earlier.

To conclude I want to cherish the time when a simple red rose blooming in the midst of the greens appeared to me as the most special thing in the whole wide world...........

The days gone by.........

The air was thick with tension. So thick we were all finding it hard to breathe comfortably. My body was stiff. I was trying really hard not to open my mouth and kept averting my gaze from the susceptible figure, the reason of all tension. The warm body next to me, allegedly my friend, Urmi, was as stiff as me.........rocking to and fro........no maybe not to and fro, well it was some sort of her own harmonic motion. She had her hand in her mouth and was biting it hard, afraid she might scream if she took it out. We were intelligently trying not to look at each other. The next warm (lets make it a bit more than warm!) body, besides Urmi, Aku a.k.a Akanksha was so involved in the tension her face had become a beautiful shade of red, almost as beautiful as the setting sun. And the person farthest from me, next to Aku, had her hands over her mouth and was shaking so hard that it was unbecoming even for the susceptible figure not to notice her, her as in Jyoti. The susceptible figure’s eyes then skidded on to Aku ,stopped a moment ,then went further right towards Urmi and came to a deadly halt on me who by then had buried my face in the ever glorious safety of my desk and was shaking so much , for a moment it must have looked I was having an epileptic fit. But my luck being as good as it was, it didn’t take him (the susceptible figure, of course) more than a few oh so precious seconds to notice that all this tension was created because of our supreme effort not to laugh (thankfully) while he was trying his level best to make us understand the importance of benzene reacting with H2SO4 (or was it nitrogen??? No no maybe HNO3...........hell, wish I remembered).It was then that he took the merciless bold steps towards us four with murder in his eyes and then came to a sudden dramatic stop before us, turned his eyes onto me and started blabbering (Hell why is it always my neck that’s on stake when the butcher comes all armed???) as if the other three didn’t even exist. But it wasn’t my fault really that I looked at him in utter confusion and tried to decipher what he actually was trying to say to me, which wasn’t very easy given the fact that he didn’t open his mouth more than 2mm at maximum (I know I am exaggerating).So it all ended with me uttering a big surprised WHAT after he finished his crap, which led to him opening his mouth 5 inches wide (I stopped feeling sorry for his wife at that moment) and telling me in no certain terms what my WHAT meant. And then he strode out of the class leaving me there thinking exactly how it would feel to feed him to a particularly nasty breed of crocodile, that too headfirst. And then I looked at my three friends intelligently and shameless as we were, we burst out laughing………………..

This is how I mostly spent my high school days with my group .Me, Urmi, Akanksha and Jyoti. Of the total 60 minutes in class, we spent half of it trying to (though we never had to try very hard) find a reason to laugh about and then the next half trying not to laugh. We were (still are) loyal believers of the fact that there is no safer place to discuss the beautiful course of life than in middle of an ongoing lecture (at least me and Urmi followed it with all out heart and mouth I suppose).Aku was more on the right side of being silent (but still she did join us often in our discussion of the course of life) and Jyoti well Jyoti........ummm….well she thought it was crime of the highest degree to open your mouth while any specimen of the susceptible figure breed was ranting away.(I suppose it was more to do with the fact that she found it hard to color co-ordinate her notes with her mouth doing a continuous closing and opening sequence ).Oh! But it wasn’t like we spent all the classes doing something of this sort, we did give our esteemed concentration to some of the blessed teachers which shocked the hell out of them and maybe us too.(Now!! Really)

I will miss those days. Now that school is over I will miss trying hard not to laugh, I will miss irritating my buddies with all those classic pj’s, I will miss driving Urmi up the wall, I will miss getting being reprimanded by Aku everyday (and by Urmi every few days) and I will miss competing with Jyoti on whose handwriting is more beautiful and who has color coordinated her notes better. Hell I will miss being with people who cared for me and with whom I didn’t worry about being myself.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever get a friend as funny as Urmi, as beautiful as Aku and as perfectionist as Jyoti (Guess I m going to get a big treat for so much of praise). I know I won’t .You don’t get friends like them day in and day out. Thanks buddies, for sticking with me through hell, and as for the heaven I will keep that to myself..........:d. Now I will conclude this with just a heartfelt thanks!!!!!!!
THANKU!!!!!

Midnight Sky.............

I stare at it,
With a smile on my lips,
The darkness in it, glittered in my eye
As I watched the peace, the peace of
Midnight sky

There is something in it,
That triggers the strings of my heart,
The calmness in it seemed to dawn on me,
With no shine from the stars so high
I watched the charm, the charm of
Midnight sky.

A world of light,
Hidden behind its cloudy blanket
With just the moon for shine,
Seemed to speak of my suppressed emotions,
In some corner of the heart where they lie,
I watched the beauty, the beauty of
Midnight sky.

The stars so close, yet so far
Seemed to speak of the distance my love was at,
The gloom in it related to the vacuum of my life,
As I stood there, thinking of the feelings I had,
Of the moments that fly,
I watched the truth, the truth of
Midnight sky.

This is a poem composed by me (yeah I know I have great hidden talents….:d).I love nights. Mornings scare me. Yeah I bit topsy turvy people would say but then who cares about people say??? I love watching the night sky. Oh definitely not from a scientific point of view as in thinking of the formations of stars, and alignment of planets and blah blah blah……….Oh! God, heaven forbid if someone from NASA or something read this………….imagine comparing the newest discovered planet to blah blah (I suppose as a revenge they will just send me off the face of earth on the next rocket to some god forsaken “blah” planet and let me die there looking at the night sky)

But coming back, I just like to look into the philosophical (or was it psychological??) aspect of the night sky. I admire its capability of uplifting my mood in the gravest of times, its patience to listen to my ranting without any complaint or to my blabbering about everything and nothing.

I like looking into the darkness…………..seeing the stars shining here and there. It gives me immense pleasure. A kind of pleasure that words can’t describe. Looking at the sky at night somehow makes everything else around seem so small. It’s so vast………..looking at it makes me forget all my troubles. I feel so insignificant and I can’t begin to say how good that feels. For that moment I can be absolutely myself. No one else matters. I don’t need any facade for that moment. It’s kind of good to be with oneself ……………to be immersed in ones own thoughts…………….to dream and then look at the sky and believe the dreams can come true………

When I lay down at night,
When stars shine,
When the moon sparkles,
When the wind blows,
When my fav song comes on,
When you hold onto my hand,
When you give me that special smile,
When everything else crashes around,
When I don’t know what’s ahead,
I have a little hope……………..

This unfortunately isn’t one of my composition….L..but a little hope, a little dream and a little bit of the vast dark sky…………….its enough to pull me through…………

Thoughts...............

I think therefore I am. I smile because I want to be happy but I cry because I am sad. Sometimes I try to smile through my tears. It’s hard because I fail...........every time. Sometimes when things don’t go my way (which is almost always) I imagine. I make scenarios and live in them. It feels good. In them, I smile because I AM happy and I cry because I know someone will wipe my tears away. I love thinking. I love living in the world I have made. They are good, lively............. but they go away. They disappear, everything disappears, the smile, the tears, the hopes, the thoughts...........and leave me alone with myself.

And then suddenly I see her. She is alone too. Very alone, but there are people all around her. But when she looks around there is no one. I walk towards her. She walks away. I can’t see her, yet I know she is smiling, but her eyes defy her smile. I just know it, even if I can’t see her eyes. I recognize her yet she is a complete stranger. She walks and even that is painful. She looks very strong and yet in her every step there’s a weakness. She stretches her hands but no one holds them to give her warmth. She tries to cry but no tears come out. She sits down, a loser, tired. Defeated at the hands of life. She looks back and realizes there is no back. She looks in front of her, her eyes are searching..........but finds nothing. Trapped. She feels trapped. Trapped in herself. It is suffocating. She can’t breathe. She takes in the air but feels nothing. She cries out but even she can’t hear herself. She looks up towards the heaven and seeks answers to the questions even she doesn’t know. It’s painful to watch her. I move towards her. I try to touch her, pacify her. Give her courage. I move closer but suddenly I am scared. Afraid. But of what? Of her? I wonder but I fail.............yet again. I walk slowly towards her. And then she turned...................

And I realize I was looking at the mirror. The world spins around me. She starts running, no I start running. I try to stop her, try to stop myself but I fail....................I run, keep running .Away. Away from myself. And then I fall down, tired, beaten, scarred and the mirror scatters. I am alone again..............alone and afraid. Afraid to hear what my heart is saying. Afraid to accept the truth. Afraid to be weak .Afraid to be alone..................

The hopes, the dreams, the thoughts are gone,
I stand alone.
The feelings are dead, my world is lost
I live alone.
Afraid to smile, afraid to trust,
I cry alone.
I go on living without a life,
With my thoughts alone...........

This feels like reading the thoughts of some psycho (mental more likely) person……………I tried to put humor into this but somehow it looked like making Brad Pitt wear poodle skirt (whoa!!! what comparison really).This was not a dream because I was not sleeping.

Sometimes things are better left unsaid, untouched, unseen and unanswered. Sometimes the mysteries are more interesting than the explanations. This was just one of those “sometimes”.

Sometimes being alone is peaceful. Sometimes your heart answers the questions that even you don’t dare ask yourself. But this time it just was not one of those “sometimes”……………..