Thoughts...............

I think therefore I am. I smile because I want to be happy but I cry because I am sad. Sometimes I try to smile through my tears. It’s hard because I fail...........every time. Sometimes when things don’t go my way (which is almost always) I imagine. I make scenarios and live in them. It feels good. In them, I smile because I AM happy and I cry because I know someone will wipe my tears away. I love thinking. I love living in the world I have made. They are good, lively............. but they go away. They disappear, everything disappears, the smile, the tears, the hopes, the thoughts...........and leave me alone with myself.

And then suddenly I see her. She is alone too. Very alone, but there are people all around her. But when she looks around there is no one. I walk towards her. She walks away. I can’t see her, yet I know she is smiling, but her eyes defy her smile. I just know it, even if I can’t see her eyes. I recognize her yet she is a complete stranger. She walks and even that is painful. She looks very strong and yet in her every step there’s a weakness. She stretches her hands but no one holds them to give her warmth. She tries to cry but no tears come out. She sits down, a loser, tired. Defeated at the hands of life. She looks back and realizes there is no back. She looks in front of her, her eyes are searching..........but finds nothing. Trapped. She feels trapped. Trapped in herself. It is suffocating. She can’t breathe. She takes in the air but feels nothing. She cries out but even she can’t hear herself. She looks up towards the heaven and seeks answers to the questions even she doesn’t know. It’s painful to watch her. I move towards her. I try to touch her, pacify her. Give her courage. I move closer but suddenly I am scared. Afraid. But of what? Of her? I wonder but I fail.............yet again. I walk slowly towards her. And then she turned...................

And I realize I was looking at the mirror. The world spins around me. She starts running, no I start running. I try to stop her, try to stop myself but I fail....................I run, keep running .Away. Away from myself. And then I fall down, tired, beaten, scarred and the mirror scatters. I am alone again..............alone and afraid. Afraid to hear what my heart is saying. Afraid to accept the truth. Afraid to be weak .Afraid to be alone..................

The hopes, the dreams, the thoughts are gone,
I stand alone.
The feelings are dead, my world is lost
I live alone.
Afraid to smile, afraid to trust,
I cry alone.
I go on living without a life,
With my thoughts alone...........

This feels like reading the thoughts of some psycho (mental more likely) person……………I tried to put humor into this but somehow it looked like making Brad Pitt wear poodle skirt (whoa!!! what comparison really).This was not a dream because I was not sleeping.

Sometimes things are better left unsaid, untouched, unseen and unanswered. Sometimes the mysteries are more interesting than the explanations. This was just one of those “sometimes”.

Sometimes being alone is peaceful. Sometimes your heart answers the questions that even you don’t dare ask yourself. But this time it just was not one of those “sometimes”……………..