The days gone by.........

The air was thick with tension. So thick we were all finding it hard to breathe comfortably. My body was stiff. I was trying really hard not to open my mouth and kept averting my gaze from the susceptible figure, the reason of all tension. The warm body next to me, allegedly my friend, Urmi, was as stiff as me.........rocking to and fro........no maybe not to and fro, well it was some sort of her own harmonic motion. She had her hand in her mouth and was biting it hard, afraid she might scream if she took it out. We were intelligently trying not to look at each other. The next warm (lets make it a bit more than warm!) body, besides Urmi, Aku a.k.a Akanksha was so involved in the tension her face had become a beautiful shade of red, almost as beautiful as the setting sun. And the person farthest from me, next to Aku, had her hands over her mouth and was shaking so hard that it was unbecoming even for the susceptible figure not to notice her, her as in Jyoti. The susceptible figure’s eyes then skidded on to Aku ,stopped a moment ,then went further right towards Urmi and came to a deadly halt on me who by then had buried my face in the ever glorious safety of my desk and was shaking so much , for a moment it must have looked I was having an epileptic fit. But my luck being as good as it was, it didn’t take him (the susceptible figure, of course) more than a few oh so precious seconds to notice that all this tension was created because of our supreme effort not to laugh (thankfully) while he was trying his level best to make us understand the importance of benzene reacting with H2SO4 (or was it nitrogen??? No no maybe HNO3...........hell, wish I remembered).It was then that he took the merciless bold steps towards us four with murder in his eyes and then came to a sudden dramatic stop before us, turned his eyes onto me and started blabbering (Hell why is it always my neck that’s on stake when the butcher comes all armed???) as if the other three didn’t even exist. But it wasn’t my fault really that I looked at him in utter confusion and tried to decipher what he actually was trying to say to me, which wasn’t very easy given the fact that he didn’t open his mouth more than 2mm at maximum (I know I am exaggerating).So it all ended with me uttering a big surprised WHAT after he finished his crap, which led to him opening his mouth 5 inches wide (I stopped feeling sorry for his wife at that moment) and telling me in no certain terms what my WHAT meant. And then he strode out of the class leaving me there thinking exactly how it would feel to feed him to a particularly nasty breed of crocodile, that too headfirst. And then I looked at my three friends intelligently and shameless as we were, we burst out laughing………………..

This is how I mostly spent my high school days with my group .Me, Urmi, Akanksha and Jyoti. Of the total 60 minutes in class, we spent half of it trying to (though we never had to try very hard) find a reason to laugh about and then the next half trying not to laugh. We were (still are) loyal believers of the fact that there is no safer place to discuss the beautiful course of life than in middle of an ongoing lecture (at least me and Urmi followed it with all out heart and mouth I suppose).Aku was more on the right side of being silent (but still she did join us often in our discussion of the course of life) and Jyoti well Jyoti........ummm….well she thought it was crime of the highest degree to open your mouth while any specimen of the susceptible figure breed was ranting away.(I suppose it was more to do with the fact that she found it hard to color co-ordinate her notes with her mouth doing a continuous closing and opening sequence ).Oh! But it wasn’t like we spent all the classes doing something of this sort, we did give our esteemed concentration to some of the blessed teachers which shocked the hell out of them and maybe us too.(Now!! Really)

I will miss those days. Now that school is over I will miss trying hard not to laugh, I will miss irritating my buddies with all those classic pj’s, I will miss driving Urmi up the wall, I will miss getting being reprimanded by Aku everyday (and by Urmi every few days) and I will miss competing with Jyoti on whose handwriting is more beautiful and who has color coordinated her notes better. Hell I will miss being with people who cared for me and with whom I didn’t worry about being myself.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever get a friend as funny as Urmi, as beautiful as Aku and as perfectionist as Jyoti (Guess I m going to get a big treat for so much of praise). I know I won’t .You don’t get friends like them day in and day out. Thanks buddies, for sticking with me through hell, and as for the heaven I will keep that to myself..........:d. Now I will conclude this with just a heartfelt thanks!!!!!!!
THANKU!!!!!

Midnight Sky.............

I stare at it,
With a smile on my lips,
The darkness in it, glittered in my eye
As I watched the peace, the peace of
Midnight sky

There is something in it,
That triggers the strings of my heart,
The calmness in it seemed to dawn on me,
With no shine from the stars so high
I watched the charm, the charm of
Midnight sky.

A world of light,
Hidden behind its cloudy blanket
With just the moon for shine,
Seemed to speak of my suppressed emotions,
In some corner of the heart where they lie,
I watched the beauty, the beauty of
Midnight sky.

The stars so close, yet so far
Seemed to speak of the distance my love was at,
The gloom in it related to the vacuum of my life,
As I stood there, thinking of the feelings I had,
Of the moments that fly,
I watched the truth, the truth of
Midnight sky.

This is a poem composed by me (yeah I know I have great hidden talents….:d).I love nights. Mornings scare me. Yeah I bit topsy turvy people would say but then who cares about people say??? I love watching the night sky. Oh definitely not from a scientific point of view as in thinking of the formations of stars, and alignment of planets and blah blah blah……….Oh! God, heaven forbid if someone from NASA or something read this………….imagine comparing the newest discovered planet to blah blah (I suppose as a revenge they will just send me off the face of earth on the next rocket to some god forsaken “blah” planet and let me die there looking at the night sky)

But coming back, I just like to look into the philosophical (or was it psychological??) aspect of the night sky. I admire its capability of uplifting my mood in the gravest of times, its patience to listen to my ranting without any complaint or to my blabbering about everything and nothing.

I like looking into the darkness…………..seeing the stars shining here and there. It gives me immense pleasure. A kind of pleasure that words can’t describe. Looking at the sky at night somehow makes everything else around seem so small. It’s so vast………..looking at it makes me forget all my troubles. I feel so insignificant and I can’t begin to say how good that feels. For that moment I can be absolutely myself. No one else matters. I don’t need any facade for that moment. It’s kind of good to be with oneself ……………to be immersed in ones own thoughts…………….to dream and then look at the sky and believe the dreams can come true………

When I lay down at night,
When stars shine,
When the moon sparkles,
When the wind blows,
When my fav song comes on,
When you hold onto my hand,
When you give me that special smile,
When everything else crashes around,
When I don’t know what’s ahead,
I have a little hope……………..

This unfortunately isn’t one of my composition….L..but a little hope, a little dream and a little bit of the vast dark sky…………….its enough to pull me through…………

Thoughts...............

I think therefore I am. I smile because I want to be happy but I cry because I am sad. Sometimes I try to smile through my tears. It’s hard because I fail...........every time. Sometimes when things don’t go my way (which is almost always) I imagine. I make scenarios and live in them. It feels good. In them, I smile because I AM happy and I cry because I know someone will wipe my tears away. I love thinking. I love living in the world I have made. They are good, lively............. but they go away. They disappear, everything disappears, the smile, the tears, the hopes, the thoughts...........and leave me alone with myself.

And then suddenly I see her. She is alone too. Very alone, but there are people all around her. But when she looks around there is no one. I walk towards her. She walks away. I can’t see her, yet I know she is smiling, but her eyes defy her smile. I just know it, even if I can’t see her eyes. I recognize her yet she is a complete stranger. She walks and even that is painful. She looks very strong and yet in her every step there’s a weakness. She stretches her hands but no one holds them to give her warmth. She tries to cry but no tears come out. She sits down, a loser, tired. Defeated at the hands of life. She looks back and realizes there is no back. She looks in front of her, her eyes are searching..........but finds nothing. Trapped. She feels trapped. Trapped in herself. It is suffocating. She can’t breathe. She takes in the air but feels nothing. She cries out but even she can’t hear herself. She looks up towards the heaven and seeks answers to the questions even she doesn’t know. It’s painful to watch her. I move towards her. I try to touch her, pacify her. Give her courage. I move closer but suddenly I am scared. Afraid. But of what? Of her? I wonder but I fail.............yet again. I walk slowly towards her. And then she turned...................

And I realize I was looking at the mirror. The world spins around me. She starts running, no I start running. I try to stop her, try to stop myself but I fail....................I run, keep running .Away. Away from myself. And then I fall down, tired, beaten, scarred and the mirror scatters. I am alone again..............alone and afraid. Afraid to hear what my heart is saying. Afraid to accept the truth. Afraid to be weak .Afraid to be alone..................

The hopes, the dreams, the thoughts are gone,
I stand alone.
The feelings are dead, my world is lost
I live alone.
Afraid to smile, afraid to trust,
I cry alone.
I go on living without a life,
With my thoughts alone...........

This feels like reading the thoughts of some psycho (mental more likely) person……………I tried to put humor into this but somehow it looked like making Brad Pitt wear poodle skirt (whoa!!! what comparison really).This was not a dream because I was not sleeping.

Sometimes things are better left unsaid, untouched, unseen and unanswered. Sometimes the mysteries are more interesting than the explanations. This was just one of those “sometimes”.

Sometimes being alone is peaceful. Sometimes your heart answers the questions that even you don’t dare ask yourself. But this time it just was not one of those “sometimes”……………..

Untitled...........

I want to start this without a title coz I don’t know what to title it. I am a bit undecided about lots of things right now. Anyway, though it’s better to start things off a good note but I believe all is well that ends well.......... (though when things don’t end well I tend not to believe this too………:d) so to damn with the beginning.

But still, first things first, to start with I am a girl (Ha! Ha! I am mentioning this because now-a-days you never know....:d), I love sports, all types except for soccer and rugby and maybe baseball too (and it has got nothing to do with the size of the ball, honestly).I paint, I mean kind of. I love reading novels and listening to music and I am very tomboyish (there you go..........)

Till recently I believed in myself, was confident, dreamt of ruling the world and thought there aren’t much things around that are not possible. But that was years back (the way my life is moving, everything recent seems to have happened years ago). Hell! It sounds worse than I meant it to be but in some ways it maybe is. I am not saying I have become a wimp but I am somehow evading myself. I am barely eighteen and I am already feeling like my life is passing before me, which I suppose isn’t a good sign unless one is drunk. I have a long list of wishes which I want to fulfill (who doesn’t?).I want to go bungee jumping, scuba diving (I will have to learn to swim first). I want to pierce my ears to a degree of three (ouch!!! I know) and someday I would like to go into the space........ (Someone just book me a ticket......:d).I also want to learn martial arts, guns included(Ahem! Ahem!). But right NOW all I feel like doing is SCREAAAAAAMing out loud. Really really loud, but I somehow restrain myself. I don’t want to test the patience of my parents more than I can help and I don’t also want them to think I have acquired much more traits of animals than I should have (dear me!!! no actually dear them!!!).And one has to be careful when one stays in a city more famous for its mental institution than anything else. (though Dhoni is giving its status a tough competition, no offence)

Till recently (I somehow keep coming back to this phrase) I had lots of people by my side. I was going steady with an awesome guy. I had lots of friends. Nice ones all. But I broke up with my boyfriend recently, actually it was he who broke up (guess it was all because of those animal traits).That wouldn’t have been a problem if I still dint love him. My best friend,well she is miles and miles away and all my other nice friends, ummm its time to part ways now, to try our luck in the big bad world outside (I meant colleges).So I am feeling lonely. Terribly. And then there are so many doubts in my head. What if I don’t make it into some very good college? What if I let down my parents? What if I let down myself? What if I try my best and it turns out my best is just not enough? I don’t want to become the Salieri of studies. It scares me. And I have no where to go, no one to fall back on, no one who I can say will stay with me against the world. But I still dare to dream (what a thing to dare really). My heart says everything will be just OK!! But my heart....

“A heart once broken is a heart no more and is excused from all that a heart must be”

I wouldn’t go deeply into this. Right now my head has shut down and my heart refuses to mend. So basically I am not functioning properly and I suppose I can’t even complain to my manufacturer coz according to him my guarantee expired when I turned 18 (Yeah sometimes even God becomes so skeptical).
It’s like being a living dead and I can’t say it’s any fun (no, honestly not, other than the fact that I really look like the part).It all seems a charade and as they say I am in the amen corner.

I wish this is just the middle of things happening to me coz I really do want to believe all is well that ends well and maybe for once I am looking for the end..................